Tuesday, January 17, 2006

How Desperate Is the Judge Judy Show for Material? So Desperate They Wanted Judy Sheindlin to Hear THIS Case. From the Sad but True Files

All right. By popular request, here is the Judge Judy story. Worth all the hubbub? You be the judge. (pun intended).

A couple of weeks ago I found an email in my in-box from a producer at Judge Judy. It read, and I'm paraphrasing because I barely remember it, "Hi, Brian, I wanted to talk to you about your case. Give me a call. Rebecca." She then listed her work number and her cell. I could only look bewilderedly at the screen because I had no idea what the email was in reference to. It didn't look like spam. But then again, maybe if I were to call the number, I'd get a sales pitch about a work-at-home scheme, or a time-share property, or some other odious scam. I deleted the email.

A few days later (Jan.8), I get a phone call. It's Sunday night at about 9:15 or so, and I'm in the middle of a rockin' game of Splinter Cell. I push pause and look at the phone. Caller ID shows the call's coming from SoCal. I suspect I'm about to talk to Heath. In a way, I was. I answer the phone. "Hello?" I say.

"Hi, is this Brian?"


"Hi, this is Rebecca from Judge Judy."

"Oh, hi!" I say, as though Rebecca from Judge Judy was an old and dear friend.

"So, who else have you talked to?" she says, in a voice that says she's willing to do a little business to keep my allegiances correctly aligned, namely with her and her show.

I explain that I'd gotten her email but that I didn't have any idea what it was about. She seemed puzzled but not discouraged. I suggested maybe my wife had submitted a case (though, this was a longshot at best, as I'm sure Peggy would attest). Rebecca said, "Hmmm," and then started to read the case "I" had submitted aloud to me.

"'My friend Shawn," she began. I knew it was Heath the instant I heard the name. "Slept on my couch for a whole year. Then I came home and found him having sex with my wife...'"

I was already laughing, though it was laughter tinged with anxiety. Was this woman going to lay the blame at my feet for Heath's prank and give me hell? At this, the first sign something's amiss, Rebecca says only, "Oh, was this a joke?" She didn't sound angry, just tired. I guess if she was working at 6:15 on a Sunday night, she probably was tired.

"Yes, I'm sorry. It's this friend of mine," I say. "He does these sort of things. I'm really sorry."

And then she read the rest, sort of to herself but loud enough so I could hear. "My friend Shawn slept on my couch for a year, and then one day I found him having sex with my wife. They took off and he stole my prize Vietnamese Pot-Bellied Pig, Lulululululu." Though this woman was obviously feeling a little victimized, I couldn't help but laugh at the pot-bellied pig thing. The crowning touch. "You know, now that I read it, it does sound like a joke." I apologized again, hoping she was finding it, if not funny, than midly amusing. "I love having my time wasted," she said. "Me too," I said, attempting to commiserate. She sounded like she was closing things up on her desk for a second and then said, "Mm-hm, ok. Bye." Hang up.

What I thought was funniest about the call, was when she said, "Who else have you talked to?" Because not only were the producers of Judge Judy hot for my sordid tale of a shameless moocher running off with my wife and, even worse, my pot-bellied pig, she was sure other TV judge shows would also be hot for it, and that the reason I'd ignored her email was because I'd been shopping it around LA looking for just the right fake judge to give me justice against Shawn. Anyway, there it is. I laughed about it for a few days, now, you too can laugh.



Newsandseduction said...

Is that all what you do? I too keep a keen eye on the comments on my blog. It is not an easy job.

JudgeHolden said...

Welcome to the Inanities, Newsandseduction. Thanks for the comment. I wonder, though, if you can answer a question for me?

You started your blog just one month before I started mine. I have 300 profile views since I started. How is it you were able to rack up 1782 profile views since July? What are people looking at? Looks like, from first glance, you're just re-posting articles. What gives? Lemme know.

Fried Pepperoni said...

We coulda been celebrities, Crane. But NO, you had to go and laugh at poor Rebecca who was just doing her job. Trust me when I say this, I would've had no problem "lying" about having sex with your wife if it would get me on TV. And I'm pretty darn positive Peggy's with me on that one.

I mean, you don't really think she's in China right now, do you dude? She's called you since she's left, hasn't she??? Dude, they don't have phones in China! Ha!! Can't believe you bought that one! Hinesy has to travel to New Zealand just to find a box of light bulbs, and he lives in Taiwan, which is light years ahead of China. But I'm sure she's told you about all the pot stickers and steamed rice she's had too, right? As if she can't get that at some corner store in Portland, Oregon where she's secretly spending the month shacked up with some dude who doesn't like Robocop 3 OR Waterworld. Think about it, man. Think about it.

We coulda been on the TV just like your parents did back in the day with all those game shows they went on (which perhaps would make a good blog topic someday soon???). Beartrap and Babyhands together again, doing their thing.

But no.


blankfist said...

Wow, is this the start of some blog rivarly between newsandseduction and judgeholden? Their brief, and completely out of nowhere although there seems to be with some amount of history, trading of words seems to be coming from a heated place. A blog rivalry, I cannot think of anything nerdier...

Let's hear some details. Fess up, Waterworldians.

Anonymous said...


I can just hear Crane chortling through the phone to that poor sap.

You may have left hollyweird. But it doesnt want you to stay away forever.


blankfist said...

Judge Bloopy.

nathan said...

If you had done the right thing, Brian, and lied to sweet miss Rebecca, you could have gotten Reggie to play the part of Peggy. Shawwwwwwwnn would have probably felt more comfortable with that.
But then...if that were the case...then I guess he have to say "Evrybody gwonna know, Shaawwwwwn"

newsandseduction! blog rivalry. YOU'RE GOIN DOWWWWWWNNN (As I flex my cyber biceps like Hulk HOGAN and stare fiercly into the camera)

blankfist said...

Where's my daily dose of inanities, Crane? Geez! It's eight thirty 'Left Coast' time, and I hopped on for my daily dose. What's up? I've got to be your number one fan and your number one hater. You like that? I know you do, Doctor Crane. Not sure what that means, but I like it.

Anyhow, you conceding defeat anytime soon, or are you gonna ride that pride train out a little bit more and see where it takes you?

Oh well.

By the way, am I the only one that might be a tad concerned that Nathan, as per his post just above this one, might have a webcam? And that he might be flexing and staring fiercly into it? And that he might be listed on the Megan's Law page in Texas because of it? Thus his whole Anti-American exodus from teh states? No? Well, maybe it's just me. Creepy.