Thursday, March 16, 2006

Right Up There With Mortal Kombat: Annhilation, Ultraviolet Isn't Just The Worst Movie of 2006. It's The Worst Movie of the 21st Century

I forgot to tell you. Last week, Speck, my brother Patrick and I went to see the new Kurt Wimmer movie, Ultraviolet. I'd seen Wimmer's freshman effort, Librium, which Wimmer wrote and directed. While it did have problems, it wasn't a bad movie. Christian Bale, Emily Watson, the dude who played Robert the Bruce in Braveheart: all good actors doing good work. Years back I'd read, courtesy of Heath, an original draft of the screenplay and liked it. Though, in the final product, more interesting elements from that first draft were either watered down or eliminated completely, I thought the ambition behind Wimmer's film was worthy, and if he ever had more say in his film product, the result might be surprising ... if not good, exactly, than at least watchable, mindless entertainment. Even if it turned out to be a bad movie, we thought it would be bad in an inoffensive, Blade 3 sort of way.

Not so.

Ultraviolet is the most badly-written, badly-acted, non-sensical, sci-fi film to have a theatrical release in, I don't know ... my lifetime? The CGI was stunningly bad. They looked like cut scenes from a PS1 video game. Mind-boggling. In one neverending sequence, Milla Jovovich, who plays Violet, touches what looks like a compass on her belt which then allows her to drive her motorcycle up the sides of buildings while dodging bullets shot from a squadron of government helicopters. Like The Matrix as written by an 11-year old, and then directed by the guy who couldn't get into film school (which you KNOW means a non-talent). Not since Pootie Tang have I walked out of a movie, but we walked out of this one a half hour in and got some movie passes. I would say stay away from this one, but I know nary a one of you was even contemplating checking this one out, so I won't insult your intelligence. This one stung pretty bad. It'll be a long time before I see another movie I wasn't dead-sold on before going. Thank God V for Vendetta's coming out tomorrow.

Also, please, check out Heath's story on Literary Smackdown. And also Hinesy's. And Abe's. And now, freshly posted today, Shawn's. It's all good stuff, and you should give it a read. All three of you who still check this thing. All right. Tomorrow I'm busy with family stuff, so no blog action. I'll return on Monday with more crap. I mean Inanities. Have a good weekend.

11 comments:

blankfist said...

Backpedaler!

I think Rotten Tomatoes gave it a heart squeezing 5%, but I just checked and it appears to be back up to 10%. That's still heart squeezing low. One reviewer wrote this:

"Wimmer is so brazen that he doesn't even bother to pretend that there's an original concept here: all his ideas are borrowed from other movies that borrowed from other movies that borrowed from The Matrix, and he doesn't care who knows it."

Ouch. Oh well, he could be a real asshole sometimes, so I don't necessarily feel bad for him. And his chum-in-crime Lucas Foster could really be a jerk, so... eat it boys.

blankfist said...

Lots of chatter on this thing, I see.

Nathan said...

Brian,
Pootie Tang is VASTLY underratted.

Wadatah!

blankfist said...

What? No Friday Inanity? Bull-pucky!

Anonymous said...

BOOO~!

8==>~~

Anonymous said...

Yeah!!!!!!

B: ~<=====B

blankfist said...

Classy.

shawn said...

And don't ever link to my story again, Crane...!

harwell said...

Naturally, that's not the real Shawn. But who doesn't recognize Heath these days? Such a tired routine of extraordinary lameness.

One of my friends here in Ohio saw ULTRAVIOLET and said it was the worst movie he'd seen since THE SPICE GIRLS movie. And you know if he went and saw that - even if just for a joke or camp value - and ULTRAVIOLET was actually worse...then my tits just exploded.

Question for you Crane: who would win in a fight, the CGI from M.K. ANNHILATION or the CGI from ULTRAVIOLET? Or could the Mooninites kill them both?

harwell said...

Naturally, that's not the real Shawn. But who doesn't recognize Heath these days? Such a tired routine of extraordinary lameness.

One of my friends here in Ohio saw ULTRAVIOLET and said it was the worst movie he'd seen since THE SPICE GIRLS movie. And you know if he went and saw that - even if just for a joke or camp value - and ULTRAVIOLET was actually worse...then my tits just exploded.

Question for you Crane: who would win in a fight, the CGI from M.K. ANNHILATION or the CGI from ULTRAVIOLET? Or could the Mooninites kill them both?

harwell said...

Naturally, that's not the real Shawn. But who doesn't recognize Heath these days? Such a tired routine of extraordinary lameness.

One of my friends here in Ohio saw ULTRAVIOLET and said it was the worst movie he'd seen since THE SPICE GIRLS movie. And you know if he went and saw that - even if just for a joke or camp value - and ULTRAVIOLET was actually worse...then my tits just exploded.

Question for you Crane: who would win in a fight, the CGI from M.K. ANNHILATION or the CGI from ULTRAVIOLET? Or could the Mooninites kill them both?