Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Cavity Searches and Turkey-Talking with Overly Confident Road-Dancing Turkeys






Turkey head.
There's a reason for this.










In this photo of football players (left), please take a moment to discover what the Tampa Bay Buccaneer is doing to the Minnesota Viking. Apparently, some NFL players don't find football all that fulfilling, and have turned to amateur proctology as a hobby, in this case giving free, on-the-field exams to players from the opposing team. Good for them. Bad for the other players.

As for the picture of the turkey, I'll explain. I was taking my wife to business school today at Emory, and on the way home, I saw a thing in the distance, strutting around in my lane. I slowed (no one was behind me at the time) and as I got closer I realized the thing was a turkey. There was a turkey in the middle of North Decatur Avenue. The turkey, thinking itself too good to ever be roadkill, took a long look at me, my car, then back at me again, it's beady unfriendly eyes seeming to say "You in Jawjuh now, bitch!" and then hopped up onto the curb to strut some more on the sidewalk. I drove past, and after a minute, I started to wish I had pulled over, gotten out of the car, and practiced some of my turkey-talk with the real turkey. And that made me think of the time I was in the car with Shawn driving through Pasadena, when I saw a cat sitting in its yard. We were stopped at a red light and the cat was there next to me, looking at me expectantly. I rolled down my window and I said either, "Meow meow meow," or "Hello, meow meow," to it. It did not say anthing back. If anything, its eyes got slightly wider and either it just wasn't motivated to move, or it was actually frozen in place with terror. Shawn was speechless with disbelief. I merely blinked as I came out of my Doolittlian stupor.

Anyway. Jimmy Carter thing tonight. Apparently, it's not about education. I'm not sure what it is, but I'll tell you tomorrow.

7 comments:

Fried Pepperoni said...

The way I remember it, you said "Meow meow meow, kitty." Which was great in and of itself. But my favorite part of that moment was when you rolled the window back up. Like you couldn't drive away with it down, because that would be stupid. Nope, you rolled the window back up and drove off like nothing had ever happened. And I bless your dirty soul that you did, because it gives me fits of laughter just thinking about it.

Have you seen that new Coors Lite commercial with the three cool dudes working on their car in the driveway? One of the guys sees a little dog in the yard next door and says something like, "Well, you're just a little fluffy thing, aren't you?" And then, "I'm gonna come over there and rub your belly." And then a giant beer can falls on him. That part's retarded, but the guy's delivery and voice have made it my favorite commercial of all time.

blankfist said...

It's good to see you've used your first curse word. Did it kill you to type bitch?

Anonymous said...

Anyone who believes this ridiculous story about the turkey . . . I feel for you.

Anonymous said...

Der Speck here.

HELEMTING damnit!!! where is your daily blog on helmeting!!!

Anonymous said...

Der Speck here.

HELEMTING damnit!!! where is your daily blog on helmeting!!!

Fried Pepperoni said...

"Anyone who believes this ridiculous story about the turkey . . . I feel for you."

Clearly you don't know Brian Crane.

Peggy Crane said...

Hey y'all,

Long time reader, first time poster.

On my way to school this morning, on the very road mentioned in the post, N. Decatur Rd, I saw not one, but THREE (3) turkeys. They were not alone, there was a human guiding them around the road. Therefore, I would suggest that these are pets, not just wild turkeys floating about, haunting Brian.